Announcement

Anybody with the resources/energy/ideas/enthusiasm to continue this blog is more than welcome to contribute. Just drop in a mail. And oh,
Hurriedly, dear Watson.

Long live the Queen

This was the time when America was trying to prove to England how much better the suave, democratic Yankees were than the snobbish, old queen's, well - snobs. So the Americans challenged the English to an inventing contest - "In one month's time, come up with the best invention you can, you pajamas!"
"Pyjamas," corrected the British, and got down to work.

After one month of sleepless nights, painstaking days, and cliched transferred epithets, the British came up with a wondrous invention - a motorbike (don't you challenge me with facts, you b*tch, it's MY blog). You'd have expected them to be ecstatic, jubilant, or at the very least, happy.

"Why aren't you pleased with yourself, Sir?" asked one inquisitive press reporter, microphone in hand.
"It's no use. We'll never win," said the honourable gentleman
"Why! Do you really think the Americans can beat our invention?"
"Hell yeah! They've Edison"

Come Over to the Dark Side

It was a time of political turmoil in the Civilized Civilized East. The king had passed away, alas, without an heir. Many considered themselves the rightful successors to the throne and expressed so in public.

The Wild Wild West thought it a great time to launch an attack, and wrest power from the Eastern losers. They summoned the armies of their allies - The Galaxy Far Far Away, and attacked.

In the East a hero emerged - Luke, predictably, a biker. ("I fear no beast nor any man. The force is with me.") He unified the armies of the East and fought valiantly. The West, in a bid to not be outdone, put up a radical leader of their own - a prostitute ("Luke, I'm your mommy")

"So here we are at the scene of the battle reporting live. The East charges ahead full force with the biker leader, and the
whore leads the west on"

The Naming of the Shrew

He was a mighty man, and he lived in a mighty house (sixth cousin of Mighty Mouse, twice separated). He earned himself much respect in the corporate world, especially amongst left-handed corkscrew vendors - for that is what he sold - left-handed corkscrews.

The ruthless Duke of Avon was much impressed when he heard about the success of our protagonist (Note how carefully the mention of the name was avoided) and beckoned on him to dine with his family.

The Duchess was a shrewd lady, and lived up to Kipling's the f of the s is more d than the m.
On the night of the dinner, she was in a particularly brutal mood, "Just so that this long blog post does not go without a single dialogue, I'm going to ask you your name"

"Earl E. Davy de Sonne"



PS: "...but my friends call me Eckles"

Bang!

It is a common belief that 'Exclamation Point' is a punctuation mark. Exclamation Point, actually, is this cool casino to hang out at. And recently, they celebrated the coolest anniversary ever - the Exclamation Day.

It is a common belief that there is no such thing as Exclamation Day. Exclamation Day, actually, is this really cool anniversary thingy as explained above. This year, surprisingly, lots of bikers turned up for the celebrations, and ended up winning a lot of dough at the casino.

It is a common belief that bikers like to bet their money to the fullest. And it is one of those few beliefs that are actually correct. And that is what they did - they wagered everything on a pig fight.

Whole E-Day's wins on!

PS: In case you don't get the full significance of the title, don't worry - you simply aren't geeky enough.

Shipping up to Boston

The year is 1662. There are these two people, whose daily routine involves travelling around the city on bikes. (The word 'biker' hasn't been invented yet).
So these two people with a nameless profession are looking for an apartment in downtown Boston, and are just discussing one probable apartment

Guy with a nameless profession: Not this one for sure, the apartment is so....green.
Guy whom the previous remark is addressed to: Only the carpet's red.
The guy who made the first objection: But the apartment is so...wooden.
The guy who liked the carpet: Only the shelves are marble.
The positively pessimistic guy: But the apartment is so...off
The REALLY patient biker: Only the TV's on.


Note to the people who might object to the use of the word biker in the last line: I do not live in the year 1662
Note to the people who think that the word biker was in existence in 1662: You have too much time to waste.
Note to the people who didn't find any of this funny: Why are you even here?

My Kingdom for a Norse

Old king Cole was (contrary to popular belief) a rather wicked soul. And a mischievous, nasty, unprincipled soul was he.
When he died, he never left a penny to his sons Ahley Cole - the honest biker, Coke Cole - the junkie biker, Out Cole - the knocked out biker. He left his entire fortune to his caddie from Norway (not China) , Lee- The guy wasn't even a biker!
Heir Lee, the Winsome

The Runaway Bike

"Hey, I want to get my silencer replaced," said the bike to the stunned guy in the garage, "And i think the brakes are not all that good too. Not to forget, i need new wheels."
The previously stunned guy in the garage continued to remain stunned.
"While you're at it, how about a new layer of paint, eh?"
The stunned guy, stunnedly asked, "You want all of that?"
"Yeah, and make it quick"
Oddly tha' was done

Wish you were here

So...

So, there was a certain well

A certain wishing well

Blue skies from pain

“What’s that again?”

You put a coin in it

Say some crap and shit

Then maybe it’ll come true

Likely to be eaten by a grue

Wish you were here

The bike in reverse gear

“This well doesn’t work, you moron!”

“Who cares?” Airily, they wished on.

Rhetorical Power

This is about the time when prime-ministerial elections were about to be conducted in Britain in '51. I don't think you were even born, then, so you'll probably have to take my word for what happened back then. (Damn the Internet) A member of the Conservative party was discussing their political position with a member of the Labour party

"Ha!" cried the Labour guy "You haven't even got a half-decent candidate!"
" 'Course we do. And I'm ready to wager 42 shillings on him becoming the next prime minister!"
"Yawn" replied the complacent Labour. Actually, he actually yawned, rather than saying out the word, but it achieved the same effect.
As a reply to which, the Conservative member mounted his bike and sped away. But shouted back a sentence, which was heard as
"Our Lead: Winston"

PS: Though i do not pride myself on my knowledge of British politics, I fancy that Churchill did win, and the old Labour guy would've been wise not to stake 42 shillings

The Gift of the Magi

Once upon a time Three Men from the East came to worship the Christ - born King of the Jews. They followed the star of Bethlehem, which led them to Jesus. Upon finding him, they gave him three gifts, the exact nature of which is rather unimportant at this instant.

All of this is easily found in the Bible. What isn't found is the lesser known fact that they actually came on bikes. What is even less commonly known is what the locals said on seeing the Three Wise Men:
"All heed their wisdom!"

Baby's Day Out

“Hey Sonny, you wanna go on a biking-vacation with me?” asked the pro biker to his only son, “Just the two of us boys...”

“Sure thing dad! I’d love to!” replied an enthusiastic sonny boy.

“Great!”

And so they did. They went on a wonderful biking trip, had a wonderful time there, and clicked some wonderful photographs. Coming home, Biker Sr. uploaded all the pics on his blog in an album titled

‘Holiday with son’

Biking on, together

Leeds United AFC are thoroughly depressed following their relegation in the 06-07 season. Moreover, they cannot come up with a good strategy to get themselves a berth back in the premiership.
So much so, they are considering hiring a biker as their manager.
Are Leeds at wits end?

Adoration of the Mystic Bikers

A gang of bikers lost their way and wandered into a museum, to ask for directions. (Faceless amateurs, i know)

"How do we get to, uh, Memphis?" one of them asked the curator
Now this curator was a wizened, freckled, pimpled, un-shaved, stone-eyed, slow-speaking, scary old fellow.
"You - can - not - get to -Memphis..." he said rather slowly, "without - seeing - a few - Renaissance..." (impeccable pronunciation) "... paintings," he finished, with a twisted smile

Hurriedly, they viewed some

'Air Band

There was this Air Music competition at a rather famous fest - All band members playing air instruments. Air guitars, air drums, air keys,...

This one band called themselves 'Virtuous Bikers'. On the Air bass (pun unintended): the kind one. Air Drums (unintended again): the humble one. Air board (whoa!): the calm one.
Air lead: the wise one

Games People Play

There was a huge debate about the mascots for the Sydney Olympics in 2000.

“I say, it could be Syd, Millie and Olly,” said one enthusiastic guy whose say would be heard

“Oh yes – Syd, the platypus, Millie, the Echidna, and Olly, the Kookaburra!” This guy’s say, too, was heard.

“Nah! Too boring! Syd, the biker, Millie, the biker, and Olly, the biker,” said another. Clearly, they had too many guys whose say would be heard.

Yet another one objected, “Not THREE bikers! We need a bird in there. I suggest Syd, the biker, Millie the biker, and
Olly, the wigeon.”

Globe Warming

"I've been working on this science-fiction novel about a biker in a futuristic world..." confided one budding author to another
"Oh yeah? How does it start like?" asked the nonchalant guy opposite him.
"It goes 'And from below the glowing horizon, rose a giant globe of fire and spite - What once used to be yellow, was now white!' Whaddaya think?"
"Oh really! The white Sun?"

And Bob's your uncle

There was this peculiar guy called Bob, who had a peculiar habit of killing people. Why? Because they often caught him in his peculiar act of stealing cookies. The reason why this was peculiar was that Bob was a generally well-off guy, with a peculiarly huge bike collection in his garage, and there was no reason why he should need to steal anything at all, let alone cookies. Peculiarly, he did.

But he never killed more than one person a day (I told you he was peculiar) and never have more than one cookie at a time. Peculiar. Singularly Peculiar.
All he'd have is 'un

My Name is Earl

There's this particularly interesting teevee show that starts off with
"You know that guy you see, when you stop off at the convenience store in that little town on the way to Grandma's house? Sort of shifty looking fella who buys a packet of smokes, a couple-a lotto tickets and a 'Tall Boy' at 10 AM in the morning? The kind of guy you wait to come out before you and your family go in? Well... that's me. My name is Earl."

Earl is this jobless ne'er-do-well guy with no respect for authority or just about anyone, and he prefers driving cars to bikes. But he then turns to reforming himself and goes about 'undoing' all the harm he's done in his life, all the while, crossing off those things from his 'list'. Still prefers the car.

Now that you've got the basic plot of a show that you've seen a hundred times on the telly, i'll pitch in a couple of words for Earl:

"Earl: He'd a vision"

Yorkshire is proud of you

There was this little city in central England, located on the River Aire. A biker came and settled there, in an area known as Hyde Park, and a rather good biker he was. He took a particular interest in a lot of things and people around the city, and became one of the most enthusiastic residents of the city.
Once when he won the county's biker of the year, the presented to him, a special plaque. It read:

To
Our Leeds' Avid Son...

Oldboys

There was this biking gang - all of them barely thirty odd years old. On one biking trip through some particularly dense forest, they were bitten by the pse-pse-pse fly (and a particularly rare variety, at that). They were all infected with a particularly miserable disease which caused them to grow long white beards, long white hairdos, and ditto for mooches; their skin to shrivel up; their teeth to fall down; their memory to weaken... In short, it was a bikers' gang - sans everything.
"Tch, Tch," an acquaintance, remarked,
"Early, they wizened"

Ghost Rider

There was this particularly dreaded biker who used to terrorize the natives of a tiny village on the outskirts of the tiny town of Whistleville. One day a man ran through the streets of the village, warning everyone:
"He's 'ere! The biker's 'ere!"
"Whoch biker do you mean?" asked Gump, Forrest Gump
"Hell! He that we'd shun!"

Holly-day season

There's a man who's dying of an obscure variety of parrot fever. His young son hears about a biker who's probably the only one who can cure the diseased man. The biker is summoned .
"Sure I can cure him, kid" he says, "But I'll need some special herbs: Some psyllium, a bit of juniper, and a handful of holly"
"Holly, sir? as in Hollywood?"
"Don't be daft!
Holly, the weed, son"

They say 'tis the supreme goal

Inspired by the recent success of the History Channel, some bikers decide to start a TeeVee Channel on similar lines. Its called the 'Knowledge Channel'. What's gonna be there on it? Well, even they don't know yet. But they've thought of nice catchy tag-line:
"Hourly, the wisdom"

That about wraps it up for God

A guy is showing some guests around his factory, which manufactures, (you guessed it!) bikes.
"And this is the Engine Department," he explained, pointing to, well, the Engine Department. "Over there is the silencer section," he continued, "And the Design Cell and the Testing Area."
One of the guests interrupted, "And what are those figures of gods and angels over there?"
"Well, that is, er - the - um - the... " the owner fumbled
"...Holy Division"

Rust In Peace

Dave Mustaine, Isaac Asimov, J. Random Character, Luke Skywalker and John Travolta were walking down the street... a loooong time back, when they were all kids. A biker rides up to them and asks,
"Hey kids, you wanna join my band?"
"Go away, each of us will start his own, separate band!", all of them said unanimously
They all tried.
Only Dave is done.

Purple Haze

Three junkies are sitting in a bar in Melbourne. One of them feels a real urge to get some.
"Hey, mate! I want some marijuana. Ye got some on ye?"
"Nay. The biker guy stopped the supply. We're totally out, mate," the other replies.

Suddenly 'the biker guy' enters the bar and announces,
"All ye, the weed's on!"

Resistance is useless!

A physicist on a bike rides up to a passer-by and asks,
"Have you seen the bridge? I seem to have lost one."
The confused traveller questions, "Which bridge are you talking about?"
"Only the Wheatstone"

Elementary, my dear

Sherlock Holmes, and the ever-faithful Watson are on the crime scene. Watson, the bright lad, is as always, confounded. Holmes, speaks up...
"The murderer is a biker from Milwaukee, with a long beard and a beer belly. The silencer on the bike is faulty, and the person has an extreme dislike for people who pick their noses."
"Holmes, you are a genius!"
"Hardly, dear Watson"

Lizzy tizzy

A biker rides up to some men standing on the street and asks them, "Hi, I'm Arun. Have you seen my wife around here?"
"What does she look like?" they asked back.
"Well," he replied, "she's a hot little devil."
Hurley, they visioned.